


how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.

by tchallas



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: ??? cassians just tryna figure shit out, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, M/M, apparently all my fics r repetitive so :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:51:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9632390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tchallas/pseuds/tchallas
Summary: He is not built for love. He is a soldier whose hands are too rough to touch gently with fingers too calloused to press into a lover’s hair. He is resistance and resistance doesn't need love to operate.Bodhi Rook, it seems, is the opposite. He stumbles into Cassian’s life haphazardly and knocks over all his towers and carefully built walls. Surprisingly, Cassian doesn't feel the loss.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xinzui](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinzui/gifts).



> oh man this is unbeta'd and rlly all over the place soz 
> 
> fr bonnie the blessin and light o my life <3

He is not built for love. He is a soldier whose hands are too rough to touch gently with fingers too calloused to press into a lover’s hair. He is resistance and resistance doesn't need love to operate.

Bodhi Rook, it seems, is the opposite. He stumbles into Cassian’s life haphazardly and knocks over all his towers and carefully built walls. Surprisingly, Cassian doesn't feel the loss.

He is like the rain that falls heavy on the trees and the breeze that blows by, drying them. Bodhi is resistance, but at the same time – with the nimble press of his fingers against Cassian’s jaw, seeping with feeling, he is love.

(And like the rain which only falls like tears until the clouds have overcome their sadness and the breeze which blows away sorrow and pain, Bodhi is temporary for Cassian.)

And yet, _we’ve got time_ , he thinks when Bodhi kisses him for the first time with lips that are chapped and fingers that grip his biceps tightly. The feeling travels up his spine and locks itself in Cassian’s heart. He marvels at the feeling of Bodhi pressing himself closer when Cassian wraps an arm around his waist. His fingertips press into Bodhi’s hipbone and he thinks that even if his hands weren't built to love, they could learn.

He could learn.

“I love you,” Bodhi says one day when the sun has just set and the first star appears in the sky. They're sitting on the roof, hands loosely linked with a forgotten bottle of liquor between them. It's strange; Cassian feels a little foolish ignoring the piles of work and reports waiting for him in his quarters. When he turns to Bodhi, his head swims dizzily. Despite that, Cassian reaches for it and is sorely disappointed when his hand accidentally tips the bottle and the remnants of whiskey spill between them. He watches the liquid drip down the slight plane of the roof and patter down to the ground.

Cassian looks away from the spilled whiskey and focuses on Bodhi whose head is craned back comfortably as the remaining sunlight that still stains the sky illuminates his jaw, creating stark shadows on golden skin.

For a moment, Cassian loses his breath.

“I know I dropped that out of nowhere,” Bodhi pauses and then turns, with eyes that shine and a smile that doesn't falter, “but you don't have to say it back.”

Cassian wonders why his mouth won't form the words his heart is desperate to say.

-

They're on a rogue mission when everything suddenly goes wrong. Bodhi is working frantically, tapping wires and attaching them to each other, leaving sparks of electricity in his wake. Cassian’s supposed to guard him from the oncoming wave of stormtroopers, but Jyn’s struggling with several who have her in a corner so he turns his back on Bodhi for one second. There's the familiar, crackling sound of the blaster and Bodhi crumples to the ground, wires slipping from his hands.

One second.

Cassian feels his heart seize and suddenly he can’t breathe.

“Bodhi!” He knows that name. He knows that it slips from his own mouth.

Cassian immediately shoots at the remaining troopers, turning his attention to Bodhi as they drop to the ground.

His voice cracks, “Bodhi.”

Blood spills from the gaping wound Bodhi’s torso and he flinches a little, gasping for breath.

“It's going to be alright,” Cassian exhales sharply through his nose and sinks to the ground. He runs a hand absently through Bodhi’s hair, “it'll be okay.”

There’s an oil rag in Bodhi’s pocket; Cassian presses it to the blaster wound. Something stirs inside his stomach as blood drenches the rag and stains his hand.

Bodhi sucks in a ragged breath and reaches forward until his hand finds the collar of Cassian’s jacket and he pulls weakly.

“Cassian,” he starts, but Cassian shakes his head immediately and frowns, “don't,” he looks away for a moment to Jyn who runs towards them and then turns back to Bodhi, unable to make eye contact.

“You can tell me later, _we’ve got time_ ,” he keeps his voice soothing, Bodhi twitches in his arms and his eyes close.

And as Cassian remembers painfully, they don't open for days.

It's his fault that Bodhi was shot in the first place. He shouldn't have turned his back, Bodhi was vulnerable as he fixed the communications system and Jyn was well equipped to handle herself. He shouldn't have turned away from Bodhi. It's funny how time works; a lifetime can be spent with caution and care and yet one second can change everything.

Mothma grounds him for three weeks, but he knows he had it coming so he grits his teeth and accepts it. Jyn is given three weeks of suspension that prevents her from flying or leaving the planet. She scowls, but like Cassian, accepts it.

She finds him lingering at the doors of the medbay one night. She doesn't say anything for a minute, only follows his gaze to where Bodhi is lying motionless on a cot.

“You should go sit with him,” Jyn says quietly, “he would appreciate the company.”

He’s unconscious, his mind supplies unhelpfully. Still, Cassian nods.

“It's not your fault, you know,” Jyn adds and then looks away uncomfortably. Comforting someone isn't her strongest suit.

“You couldn't have anticipated it.”

He thinks about it that for a moment, how there were more stormtroopers coming towards Bodhi than there were attacking Jyn. He could've anticipated it. He could've prevented it. The thoughts knock around his mind for a moment, spinning viciously over and over again until he blinks hard and forces his mind to clear.

He could've protected Bodhi.

He doesn't say that to Jyn, however. She watches him with eyes that are too soft to suit her so he presses his mouth into a line and says what she wants to hear, “I know.”

She walks away after that and Cassian spends a few more minutes by the door. He stays until a nurse goes to Bodhi’s cot to check his vitals. After she leaves he hurries past the other cots and then, hesitantly, sits down on the chair by Bodhi.

He’s peaceful like this, Cassian notices absently, his mouth slack and his breathing slow and even. Oddly, youth radiates from Bodhi when he’s asleep and Cassian can’t help but reach forward, brushing a stray strand of brown off of Bodhi’s face.

-

Weeks after, Cassian finds the words in his heart.

He whispers, “I love you,” into the trembling plane of Bodhi’s collar.

He nips gently at Bodhi’s bottom lip, soothing over the bites with his tongue and murmurs, “I love you so much,” Cassian presses a kiss to the corner of Bodhi’s mouth, “I can hardly breathe.”

Bodhi cries out, fingers tightening in Cassian’s hair quickly, pulling the thick strands until Cassian gives him what he needs.

“I love you,” he repeats, over and over again and realizes that if the oceans were made of ink, they'd run out before Cassian’s word do.

**Author's Note:**

> lets bitch occarisaac.tumblr.com


End file.
